Last night as I was laying in bed listening to the owls as I fell asleep, my heart began to pound and my stomach felt a large rock sitting squarely in it's pit. No it was not the sound of the owls, I fear not the owls. All owls make me think of is tootsie pops and how many licks it takes to get to the center. No, my anxiety came from the thought that today is Sunday which means we are entering a new week, the week in which I have decided to take my college placement test. I am determined to go back to school, the classes I am only mildly intimidated by. But this test, this test I fear. I hated tests in high school, but I was always prepared. There was never any material that I hadn't thought about in 16 years on those test. It all became extremely real to me last night. All my doubts and insecurities came crashing down on me with all the wrath they could muster. Then for an instant I wanted to quit before I had even begun. How easy it would be to just not do it. I could stay in my comfort zone. Never pushing myself, never changing. This must be some thing I need to do, why else would I feel such fear? Some force trying to stop me from doing what will ultimately lead me to where I need to be. Some many thoughts running around in my head. I feel like a bouncing ball in outer space.

My jungle

The garden keeps growing. I am finding it harder and harder to make my way to the back corner where the Lima beans and black eyed peas are growing. Also bugs love my garden. I get lots of new little bites every time I venture in to far. Nothing grew this good last year. It grew, just not this big. The tomatoes are out of control! I may have to leave more space between the plants new year. I thought I left enough this year. I guess not. Anyway just wanted to let you see my jungle!

Just a thought.

I sit here tonight with a thought in my head, one that was one of my mom's favorite. "Every thing happens for a reason." My husband and I were heading down life's path comfortably last year when he decided to get out of the army. I had a lot of fear and anxiety about this decision. But I supported him and decided that whatever he decided was what he needed to be happy. He got a job at the mine that was short lived and we have been living on my daycare income since December, when our saving ran out. This has not been an easy time in my life. The stress has some days overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. I have questioned my faith, my strength, my sanity, and everything in between. This was not a place I had EVER pictured myself being. But there we were. Some how together we made it through. I say we made it through because today Arnold started his full time position with the Arizona National Guard. The money will return. The bills will be paid. I will no longer have to worry about my kids getting hurt or sick and having no insurance. I can enjoys days when no kids show up at my house to be watched instead of worrying that this weeks pay will not be enough. I feel as if I can breath.

Through the months of waiting for this job to actually materialize I kept reminding myself that "everything happens for a reason." A time or two I may have demanded that this reason be shown to me so I might understand and except more humbly. Of course we all know that this is not the way things work. I have wanted to go back to school for a number of years now. But paying for college and children at the same time was not possible. Until now. I have applied for a pell grant and it appears that I will qualify for the whole thing. Yeah me! So tonight I sit here with this thought and wonder if my education could possibly the reason.