Last night as I was laying in bed listening to the owls as I fell asleep, my heart began to pound and my stomach felt a large rock sitting squarely in it's pit. No it was not the sound of the owls, I fear not the owls. All owls make me think of is tootsie pops and how many licks it takes to get to the center. No, my anxiety came from the thought that today is Sunday which means we are entering a new week, the week in which I have decided to take my college placement test. I am determined to go back to school, the classes I am only mildly intimidated by. But this test, this test I fear. I hated tests in high school, but I was always prepared. There was never any material that I hadn't thought about in 16 years on those test. It all became extremely real to me last night. All my doubts and insecurities came crashing down on me with all the wrath they could muster. Then for an instant I wanted to quit before I had even begun. How easy it would be to just not do it. I could stay in my comfort zone. Never pushing myself, never changing. This must be some thing I need to do, why else would I feel such fear? Some force trying to stop me from doing what will ultimately lead me to where I need to be. Some many thoughts running around in my head. I feel like a bouncing ball in outer space.

My jungle

The garden keeps growing. I am finding it harder and harder to make my way to the back corner where the Lima beans and black eyed peas are growing. Also bugs love my garden. I get lots of new little bites every time I venture in to far. Nothing grew this good last year. It grew, just not this big. The tomatoes are out of control! I may have to leave more space between the plants new year. I thought I left enough this year. I guess not. Anyway just wanted to let you see my jungle!

Just a thought.

I sit here tonight with a thought in my head, one that was one of my mom's favorite. "Every thing happens for a reason." My husband and I were heading down life's path comfortably last year when he decided to get out of the army. I had a lot of fear and anxiety about this decision. But I supported him and decided that whatever he decided was what he needed to be happy. He got a job at the mine that was short lived and we have been living on my daycare income since December, when our saving ran out. This has not been an easy time in my life. The stress has some days overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. I have questioned my faith, my strength, my sanity, and everything in between. This was not a place I had EVER pictured myself being. But there we were. Some how together we made it through. I say we made it through because today Arnold started his full time position with the Arizona National Guard. The money will return. The bills will be paid. I will no longer have to worry about my kids getting hurt or sick and having no insurance. I can enjoys days when no kids show up at my house to be watched instead of worrying that this weeks pay will not be enough. I feel as if I can breath.

Through the months of waiting for this job to actually materialize I kept reminding myself that "everything happens for a reason." A time or two I may have demanded that this reason be shown to me so I might understand and except more humbly. Of course we all know that this is not the way things work. I have wanted to go back to school for a number of years now. But paying for college and children at the same time was not possible. Until now. I have applied for a pell grant and it appears that I will qualify for the whole thing. Yeah me! So tonight I sit here with this thought and wonder if my education could possibly the reason.

Garden Geek

Beans tonight.

Tomatoe plants, tonight.

June 3rd.

June 3rd.

June 3rd

Tomato plants June 3rd.

Cucumber in the corn.

Tomato in the strawberries .

Beans May 18.

Tomato plants May 18.

Spinach, all gone now.

I am a garden geek. Last year I had a little compost pile in the corner of my garden. I put the cucumber peels, cantaloupe seeds, whole pumpkins, lettuce cores, and lots of kitchen scraps. Well last years compost has become this years weeds. I have "wild" cucumber, cantaloupe, watermelon, pumpkins, and even tomatoes growing throughout the garden. I call myself a garden geek because it makes me happy to find little tomatoes plants growing in my strawberry patch. I like to see cantaloupe in my corn and cucumbers next to a potato plant.

So anyway here are a few weeks worth of garden pictures.

When I was in the 6th and 7th grade we lived on a military post way in the middle of nowhere Utah. It was a small post, living quarters divided in to two sides, the West side, and the East side. One could easily walk from one side to the other, and back when ever one wanted. My best friends were Melissa Moore and Erin Merrit, they lived on the west side, we lived on the east. I was usually the one who had to travel to their side when ever we wanted to get together, I won't say play, because we were much to old to "play". Anyway, although it really was a quick trip to and from their houses, I soon got tired of walking. Now I am not sure were they came from or how long they were in the family, but one day a pair of skates found their way to me and my walking days were over. I would fly down the sidewalks making my way to better places. Melissa and Erin must have thought it was a cool idea, they broke out with their skates and we skated everywhere. I remember skating up and down streets, back and forth between the east side and the west side. A freedom unknown to me until that time. The wind, the speed, I loved it.

Yesterday was Montana's 10th birthday (one of Ashley's friends). She had a birthday party at Mingos Party Place, just outside Silver City NM. At Mingos you can play skeet ball, or pool, or some other silly game I didn't understand, but most people just skate! Yes, real skates with four wheels and a rubber stopper. You can try your luck with roller blades as well, not something I wanted to do. I skated. For the first time in many, many years, I got to feel the wind blowing my hair as I sped round and round in circles. Unable to control exactly when I would stop. Still the memory of being 12 could not be contained and for the short time I felt 12 again. I couldn't help but smile. But I am no 12 year old girl, and this morning my shins feel the years of not skating. I love it!

Looking back.

Halloween 2008.

Gabriel.

Ashley and Breana.

Breana's 2nd birthday.

First day of school this year.

Ashley.

Breana.

The girls are done with 2nd and 4th grade. Today was their last day. I can't believe how very fast this year seemed to have flown by. Not only this year but the last 10 years. I swear I can still feel Ashley swimming around in me. I want to save every moment, the remember the sound of their laughter. To be able to pick them and cuddle with them when ever I want. To be the center of their universe. To be able to kiss an boo boo and make it all better. I want them to like the cloths I pick out for them. To do as I say without question ( that one maybe pushing it even when they were very young!) But they keep growing. The older they get the more memories I need to write down and don't. I always thought that I would remember the funnies, but I seem to be forgetting. Now my kids remind me of things that I have told them. I really must start writing it all down. Is it possible that time goes faster when you get older?

Good night

Tonight as I was getting Gabriel all

tucked in to bed he wanted to know why he couldn't just sleep on the couch. His bed always gives him bad dreams, but not the couch he says. I don't really mind him sleeping on the couch, I prefer his bed, why buy it if it's not going to be used. Anyway, I proceed to explain to him that I have some kids who have to be here very early tomorrow morning, long before Gabriel will want to wake up, so the best place for him to sleep is in his own room, on his own bed, far from the noise of small children. He tells me he wishes they were robots. This is a strange wish even for him, or so I thought. I ask him why he wants them to be robots, and he tells me that we could then turn their ears to turn them down, as in volume. Oh if only toddlers did come with volume control!